I am a mystery to myself

Rewriting History

I am glad to say that by unanimous decision of the Appeals Committee of the WalrusAttack Sweepstakes, the previous verdict against Johannes Spatzenegger has been OVERTURNED. As of November 27th, Johannes is the official winner of WalrusAttack Contest #5. This entitles him to a coveted place on the WalrusAttack Scroll of Honor, in addition to a chance at winning our grand prize, a genuine beluga whale.

         

The committee made this ruling in recognition of Johannes’ selfless promotion of this website on Austrian radio. My goal henceforth will be to baffle as many Austrians as possible as they attempt to understand what exactly the purpose of this website is.

An excerpt from the interview:

“Iceland is very sad. It is an igloo made of frozen blocks of sadness, and we are curled up inside, huddled on our walrus skins, telling stories about that one time that a baby walrus wandered into camp and Baldur fed it alcohol and made it drunk before he killed it and roasted it over the fire. What a sweet sizzling smell! The memory is almost enough to make us forget that we are living in an igloo of sadness. Almost, but not quite.

So erzählt Ben Black, mein Mitbewohner aus Kalifornien, wenn wir bei Bier und Tortillas in unserer Wohnung in Reykjavik sitzen und uns Geschichten über Island einfallen lassen. Der erste Tag hier ist wirklich traurig. So traurig und grau, dass mir das Flugzeug nach Hause näher ist als alles andere. Björk, GusGus und Sigur Rós, schwarze Vulkane, blaue Flüsse und bunte Berge sind versprochen worden und stehen zumindest im LonelyPlanet, den nicht nur ich von zu Hause mitgebracht habe. Sicher ist sicher. Ehe man sich versieht hat man viele dieser (an sich ja durchaus zutreffenden) Vorstellungen und seinen LonelyPlanet hinter sich gelassen und kann mit allen Höhen und Tiefen das Land genießen.”

My translation:

“Thus spake Ben Black (note Nietzsche reference, the Austrians will love that), my Mitbewohner (this word is the same in English and German) from California, when we were drinking beer and tortillas (the special liquid kind) in a dungeon in Reykjavik when the ultimate Icelandic earthquake struck. The world grew dark; sadness flew everywhere. But on its dingy wings this sadness carried one bright spark: that spark was the angry burning spark of knowledge. Bjork! GusGus! And Sigur Ros! Where are you in our hour of greatest need? [Next comes something about Lonely Planet, difficult to translate, it doesn’t seem to make sense in this context]. Save us from ourselves, and this sadness that touches my forehead lightly with its hot E. Bola fingers, Ben!”

Although I am only one man, I will do my best, Johannes. Tell the Austrians that I am coming. In the meantime, for the full interview, click here.

Congratulations again, J-Spatz. And remember: with great power comes great responsibility.

Good Things Coming to an End

I hereby announce the first loser of the semi-daily Walrus Attack sweepstakes: Johannes Spatzenegger. Shame, Johannes, Shame Shame Shame Shame! This is the sort of thing that makes me ask myself, “Where have all the flowers gone?” And then I answer: “I don’t know, but Johannes is super lame.”

Johannes Spatzenegger, Contest Loser

Rawlwrusses Are Not the Only Fruits

Some people don’t realize that there are many possible spellings of the word “Walrus.” This is because it is an Eskimo word.

Here are some other acceptable ways to spell “Walrus” according to the Oxford English Dictionary:

1. WARRUS–A walrus with speckles.
2. WARS–A walrus when you are feeling sad.
3. WLRS–A walrus with no vowels.
4. WWWWWWAAAALRUS!!!–A very large walrus.
5. WERELESSES–A female walrus with no flippers that just lays there.
6. WRUSLLLA–A walrus with a set of shapely tusks.
7. WRAWLWRESS–A walrus in the month of May, when it’s raining lightly on your upturned face.

Make-Believe Things that Depress Me

1. Dreams. In particular, that dream I had when I was ten years old, where I found two pale blue robin’s eggs and put them in my pocket. In the morning, they were gone.

2. Toby leaked the information about the secret military space shuttle. Stupid, Toby, stupid stupid stupid!

3. How all the unicorns in the world except for one are trapped inside the ocean, in the aptly named blockbuster novel “The Last Unicorn.”

4. Dances with Wolves. I have never seen the ending because I know it will be too depressing. However, in the abstract, dancing with wolves is not depressing. It is amazing. Sometimes I just want to go lie down outside and see if any wolves will adopt me. Since there are no wolves in Iceland, I would basically just be hoping for an Arctic Fox or a domesticated dog.

5. The Never-ending Story, when Artax dies in the sadness swamp. Fight the sadness, Artax!

6. In The Matrix, when Switch says, “Not like this. Not like this.” And then Cipher unplugs her brain. Damn you Cipher!!

7. Don’t give up, Artax. Please.

They Have Everything in Iceland

Here are some things that you shouldn’t miss out on in Iceland:

1. Gullies. I have to say this. The gullies are amazing. Alcove, channel, apron–three words for love.

2. Darkness. They have darkness in Iceland! Along with electricity, it is just about the only thing they don’t have to import. Which is a good match, actually. Darkness, electricity. Darkness, electricity, gullies. Truly, this is God’s country.

3. Lions.* Many, many lions. Watch out for the lions in the darkness. Especially because the lions are black!

4. Lava bombs. Don’t miss the lava bombs–they’re killer!

5. Sadness. Iceland is very sad. It is an igloo made of frozen blocks of sadness, and we are curled up inside, huddled on our walrus skins, telling stories about that one time that a baby walrus wandered into camp and Baldur fed it alcohol and made it drunk before he killed it and roasted it over the fire. What a sweet sizzling smell! The memory is almost enough to make us forget that we are living in an igloo of sadness, as the darkness and black lions creep around outside. Almost, but not quite.

6. In Iceland there are computers. I very much hope that no one uses those computers to look at what I have written on this website.

*Lions symbolize Wisdom. If you’d like to know more, look HERE.